sarah

How do you define “mothering” in your own life—and has that definition changed over time?
Mothering is being committed to shepherding/guiding/holding/being present/etc. etc. my littles through life and all its phases, twists and turns. I have been realizing and re-realizing that being a mama means I have to let my littles learn many of their own lessons in real time and experience things firsthand; I have to let go. This means that I might - and often do - have to let a strong willed 4 year old who doesn’t believe me just experience unwanted consequences on her own.

What has mothering revealed to you about who you are, beyond the roles you play?
I am ambitious, creative, fiercely loving, and, no matter the role I’m playing, I want to make things better.

What parts of your journey feel unseen, misunderstood, or unspoken—and deserve to be named out loud?
Despite living in a society that is pretty fixated on people having children, it’s not set up to ever support those children - either in utero or outside. For instance, why does the children’s museum open so late on the weekend? Why is the aquarium so expensive? Why don’t we have a splash pad in Orleans Parish? Why does my wife, who is on my children’s birth certificate, have to adopt our children? Our society isn’t setup for parenting, and it’s especially not setup for queer parents and families.

How has your experience of mothering been shaped by your lineage, your culture, or the community around you?
The practices that I incorporate into my mothering are an amalgamation of things I’ve both learned and rejected from my own parents, reaction to understanding the needs of my child, and my vision for how I help raise compassionate, independent, self-sufficient, critical-thinking people.

What was your postpartum experience like—emotionally, physically, and spiritually? What kind of support (or lack of it) did you receive during that time?
I’m super lucky to have such supportive and generous friends and sisters and a knowledgeable care team - including a pelvic floor physical therapist and doula. I’m also so glad to not be postpartum during the height of the COVID pandemic this time around. This means that I was able to go to my doula‘s house for sound baths, many friends brought meals and held the baby while I ate with two hands, people came over and did laundry, organized my closet, drawers, bathroom and laundry room; talked to me; and people picked up my oldest daughter and took her on fun outings.

If you could design the ideal postpartum care system, what would it look and feel like?
I have so many ideas on this
Paid leave for one year
Additional stipends for child care and family needs for a year
In home nurse, doctor, lactation, healthcare professional postpartum visits
No cost mental health care for birthing parent and partner/family
Free childcare for 0-5 years old

Can you share a moment of deep joy in your mothering journey—one that lives in your body?
Hard to choose! I mean parenting is hard but also there are all these beautiful and joyful moments. I’m thinking back to the first time I saw both of my daughters when they were born, the time I realized my daughter was saying I love you, the newborn snuggles stage, the baby/kid laughs and jokes, or when my kid does something she’s being working on for awhile - a somersault, hopping, pooping in the toilet, etc.

What grief, loss, or transformation has shaped the way you show up as a mother?
Parenting without the presence of my parents, especially my mom has been really challenging. I mourn the relationship and connection that we could have had and that my daughters don’t know them. We live 15 minutes apart and it might as well be on the other side of the world. And technically that’s what it is - different belief systems, values, perspectives, generations and a lot of hurt feelings. I wish it were different. Many of the choices that I have made about parenting and the type of parent I want to be are informed by wanting something different and wanting to have a healthy, loving, respectful relationship with my children into their adult lives.

How do you access healing—emotionally, spiritually, or ancestrally?
I have a good therapist - though it’s a constant up-and-down journey - and I’m getting wiser with age so I am much kinder to myself and have realized that I don’t have to and cannot control everything.

Are there any rituals, practices, or traditions that keep you grounded?
Deep breathing when feeling harried, sun salutations before bed, writing to make sense of my inner monologue, and myriad annual traditions with my actual and chosen family help me feel grounded.

What does community care mean to you—and how do you invite others into your mothering journey to help bridge gaps of support, understanding, or visibility?
People - including me - always say “why didn’t anyone tell me this about parenting or pregnancy or childbirth?” It’s because they were going through it at the time, they have forgotten it, or maybe it didn’t happen to them. I have somehow made it my job to talk about everything loudly so that it helps others and it makes our society more supportive. For example: nursing and pumping are unpaid full time jobs. During the height of the pandemic after giving birth, I was on Zoom meetings all the time and people were just scheduling back to back meetings. I tried to make it work, but then I got one clogged duct so I instead would announce to the chat when I was off camera nursing or pumping, to make what is mostly unseen labor visible and help make the office a more supportive place.

To mother within systems that weren’t made for you is an act of resistance. How do you navigate, push against, or reimagine those systems in your everyday world?
People - including me - always say “why didn’t anyone tell me this about parenting or pregnancy or childbirth?” It’s because they were going through it at the time, they have forgotten it, or maybe it didn’t happen to them. I have somehow made it my job to talk about everything loudly so that it helps others and it makes our society more supportive. For example: nursing and pumping are unpaid full time jobs. During the height of the pandemic after giving birth, I was on Zoom meetings all the time and people were just scheduling back to back meetings. I tried to make it work, but then I got one clogged duct so I instead would announce to the chat when I was off camera nursing or pumping, to make what is mostly invisible or unseen labor visible and help make the office a more supportive place.

What do you want the world to understand about mothers like you?
There’s a lot happening in the world that is scary and unjust and mothers like me are doing the best we can to navigate that so be kind and supportive to us.

What do you hope your child—or future generations—inherit from your story?
I laughed, I danced, and I tried to make the world a better place. I lived fully, both for myself and for the people I loved.